Miley Cyrus - Breakout

Miley Cyrus – Breakout – 0.5/5

And so it dawns on my 100th post on this forum. Now rather than do as I’ve done in the past, marking momentous occasions with albums from my past, or specials with multiple contributors to a theme, I thought I would tackle the exact reverse. Originally planning a garage black metal band, or something else equally horrendous, I reached the decision to peek my head out, not just slightly, but way out into the eyes of the mainstream pop industry, and pick out what I expected to be the biggest atrocity I could find.

Whilst I simultaneous thank my American friends for repeatedly mention just how terrible this artist is, know that without your comments I would have been blissfully unaware of her existence, so despite me writing this review, know that the next time you mention someone of this calibre and my curiosity gets the better of me that I’ll be giving you the finger from behind my computer screen. Next time a toddler ‘makes it big’ by flashing her underwear in front of Barney the dinosaur, and uses her new-found fame to launch a career in music, do me a favour and keep it to yourself.

To say I had any expectations of this album would be a lie, though I most certainly had hopes. Mainly that it would be short, and completely void of any frustrating giggling that annoys me to no end. I am happy report that both of these hopes have been fulfilled.

The backing consists of generic drumming and guitars, with the occasional chord played on the keyboard for atmosphere. About as generic as you can get, but since when was a mainstream pop album concerned with instrumentation? So, onto the vocals then.

She can’t sing. I mean, I never expected her to be able to, and I must say the ability for the music studio’s to hide this fact is astounding, but despite this they have failed to remove all traces of that bizarre accent she seems to have decided to sport. It doesn’t sound like a slack-jawed southerner so much as a terrible attempt for a rich kid to simply sound that way. Luckily for her, she was so poor at it that it largely remains hidden underneath layers of post-production.

Now I would guess that the old adage ‘write what you know,’ would present something of a dilemma to her, but then it would be naïve of me to think she actually wrote her own lyrics. Opening with the title track and the following lyrics:

“Every week's the same
Stuck in school's so lame
My parents say that I'm lazy
Gettin' up at 8am's crazy
Tired of bein' told what to do
So unfair, so uncool” - Breakout

Did nobody glance at this and think, hang on, is this really the best we can come up with? Surely there are children with ages not yet in the double digits who would be appalled at this. It’s not just that it’s generic, tasteless and immature, but it even has terrible grammar.

Comedian ‘Dylan Moran’ once said, and I quote; “I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know? Or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls." This is an apt description for each track on this album, and yet despite all this, there is the faintest glimmer of hope that this might not, in fact, be the worst album to ever reach platinum status. The ability to recognise that at some point, a change in pace may be a good thing, and the cover of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girl’s Just Wanna Have Fun,” shows inclination that perhaps she doesn’t yet believe what her manager is telling her in return for ‘special favours’. It’s shit, but at least its fairly short.

Highlights: The fact I forgot to turn the ‘repeat’ button on.


Anonymous said…
she can sing, just watched a new video of hers
she was singing on a mountain like a valkyrie,a valkrie you will never ever touch
now bow down
Tom B said…
Sorry, I should clarify.

She can't sing well